Mountains, Monsters, and Other Bad Life Choices
Lucas squinted at the massive, ominous peak looming before him. Mount Insanity, he called it—mostly because anyone who even considered climbing it had to be out of their mind.
Which explained why he was here.
“Alright,” he muttered to himself, adjusting his backpack full of what he vaguely hoped were useful supplies (and definitely too many granola bars). “Time to make history. Or at least a bad decision that I can laugh about later.”
“Lucas!” came the shrill voice behind him. Marcy, his best friend and long-suffering companion, trudged up the path, panting like she had been chasing a runaway bus. “Explain. To me. Again. Why we’re doing this?”
Lucas turned to her, his grin already plastered on his face. “Because, Marce, we’re gonna climb this mountain, find the magical artifact at the top, and finally lift the curse on my family.”
“Right, right,” Marcy said, waving her hand dismissively. “Except for the small, tiny, barely noticeable fact that you can’t even remember your own brother.”
Lucas blinked. “What are you talking about? I remember him just fine! His name was...uh...” He scratched his head. “It’s either Leon or Lenny...or was it Lex?”
“You don’t even know if your brother’s real!” Marcy threw her hands up in exasperation. “He might be an imaginary friend for all you know.”
Lucas shrugged. “Eh, details. I’m pretty sure he exists.”
Marcy’s eye twitched. She had *brought her fake book full of snacks*, as usual, but no amount of granola bars could fix the chaos that was Lucas. Yet, here she was, terrified of everything, especially the dark and probably whatever mutant wildlife this mountain harbored. But she stayed. Not because she believed in the mission, but because leaving Lucas alone felt like a crime against common sense.
A low, guttural *growl* broke the uneasy silence.
“Oh no,” Marcy whispered, her eyes wide. “Not again.”
Lucas whipped around, facing what could only be described as half-bear, half-octopus, with way too many teeth and not enough personal space.
“Aw, look at him!” Lucas said, his grin widening. “He’s just a big ol’ teddy-squid!”
“Teddy-squid?” Marcy screeched. “That thing looks like it’s going to eat us for a midnight snack!”
“Not if we snack first!” Lucas yelled, grabbing a granola bar from Marcy’s fake book and waving it like he was negotiating with a hostage taker. “Hey! You! Bear-pus! Want a peanut butter bar?”
The creature stopped, staring at Lucas like it wasn’t sure whether to eat him or file a complaint with the cosmic authorities.
Taking advantage of the creature’s moment of confusion, Lucas bolted up the mountain path. “RUN, MARCY! RUN LIKE WE’RE BEING CHASED BY EXAMS!”
Marcy, already panting, gasped, “You—are—delusional! We’re—being—chased—by—something—MUCH—worse—than—exams!”
The bear-pus roared, clearly over its confusion, and barreled after them, tentacles slapping the rocks like nature’s angriest spatula.
Lucas ran like he had just stolen someone’s Wi-Fi password. “This is fine! Everything is fine! Look, we’re bonding with nature!”
“Lucas, I swear on whatever is left of civilization, if I survive this, I’m throwing your mismatched socks into a fire!” Marcy screeched, her legs burning as they scrambled higher.
“You wouldn’t!” Lucas gasped in mock horror. “These socks are a symbol of my individuality!”
“They’re a symbol of your idiocy!”
They finally reached a narrow ledge, Lucas skidding to a stop just before toppling over the side. Marcy, clutching her knees, glared at him. “Are we...safe?”
Lucas leaned over the edge and, from the darkness below, a roar echoed up. “Nope. Definitely not safe.”
“Why do I let you talk me into these things?”
“Because I’m fun and charming?”
Marcy’s silence said everything.
The bear-pus appeared again, now looking downright offended that its potential snacks had tried to escape. It roared once more, and Lucas stared down at it with a frown.
“Okay, new plan. We befriend it.”
Marcy’s brain nearly short-circuited. “Befriend it?! Lucas, that thing wants to EAT us, not follow us on Instagram!”
“Nah, it’s misunderstood. Look at it! All those tentacles... it probably just needs a hug.”
“IT DOESN’T NEED A HUG. IT NEEDS US TO BE DEAD.”
Lucas squatted down and called to the creature like someone trying to coax a cat. “Here, buddy. Come here! Good tentacle-bear...thing.”
The bear-pus stared at Lucas with the same expression Marcy often had—one that said “I’m not mad, just disappointed.”
“Oh well, plan B then,” Lucas said, snapping his fingers. “I’ll grab the artifact at the top, and then we’ll just...you know, slide back down the mountain.”
“You mean slide down and die horribly?”
“Exactly!” Lucas grinned.
Before Marcy could scream at him, he sprinted to the top of the mountain, where a glowing artifact rested on a pedestal. The air around it shimmered like something out of a bad sci-fi movie.
Lucas grabbed it, hoisting it triumphantly in the air. “Got it! Now we—” He froze as the bear-pus let out an earsplitting roar from below. “Oh. Right.”
Marcy’s hands flew to her face. “You’re the worst.”
Lucas shrugged. “We’ve got options.”
“WE DON’T HAVE OPTIONS!”
“Oh sure we do. For example, I could use my magical charm.” He pulled the keychain around his neck. “It’s totally got mystical powers.”
Marcy snatched the charm and held it up. “Lucas. This is a plastic keychain from Disneyland. It doesn’t even glow in the dark.”
“Well, not with that attitude.”
The bear-pus lunged, tentacles flailing, and Lucas barely ducked in time. “Okay, okay. New plan: I’ll run down the mountain while you...uh...distract it!”
“With what?!” Marcy shrieked. “My dazzling personality?”
“No, no, **throw the book**!”
Marcy blinked, confused. “The fake book full of snacks?”
“Exactly!” Lucas said. “Snack distraction. It worked with those radioactive raccoons, remember?”
Marcy stared at him, then slowly pulled the fake book from her bag. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
“Believe it!” Lucas grinned, backing toward the ledge. “Now throw!”
With a deep breath, Marcy hurled the book at the bear-pus, and, miraculously, it worked. The monster paused, its tentacles reaching for the book, intrigued by the mysterious granola contents.
“RUN!” Lucas screamed, bolting down the mountain, Marcy right behind him.
They careened downhill, Lucas laughing like a madman, Marcy alternating between cursing his existence and screaming at the top of her lungs. They finally hit the base of the mountain, rolling to a stop in a dusty heap.
Lucas sat up, brushing himself off. “See? Totally fine.”
Marcy, still lying flat on the ground, glared at him. “I hate you. So much.”
“Aw, c’mon, Marce! We lived! And I’ve got the artifact!” He held it up like it was the greatest prize in the world.
Marcy sat up slowly, rubbing her aching head. “Great. Now you just need to remember who your brother is.”
Lucas blinked. “Oh, right...what was his name again?”
Marcy picked up a rock and threw it at him.
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